Friday, July 30, 2004


Blogswap 3: Open Assignment

Warning - the following post is satirical in nature! It was written by Ochuk.
Ochuk's Blog is an amorphous mix of theology and humor. I don't expect too many people to take me seriously, but you will find some depth and encouragement from the odd meanderings of 25 year-old journeying through Classical Reformed theology and the Emerging Church culture.

The Purpose Driven phenomenon has become the next wave of spirituality in the 21st century. Purpose Driven merchandise is selling like mad, and Rick Warren knows that this wave hasn't even begun to break. Word on the street has it that he is working on another book called the Purpose Driven Wife: Why On Earth Did I Marry You? Here's a brief synopsis of what to expect from Warren's new marriage-saving manuscript:

You Were Made For Marriage
It is not God's will for you to be single. God made you in the Garden of Eden for a man-- to be the bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh. A man doesn't leave his father or mother for nothing. You are the reason why he leaves his parents; he leaves to be joined to you. Sadly, today's women are taught to be single, pursue a career, and then get married. But this worldview comes from a worldly perspective propagated by shows like Sex and the City. God knows you can't work in the real world because he didn't make you for that. He wants you married and pregnant by age twenty, otherwise robust, virile men will get tired of living with their parents and will be impotent by the time you marry one. A woman who isn't under a man's authority is not really a woman at all. This leads us to the next purpose of your life.

You Were Planned For His Pleasure
The second great purpose of your life is to fulfill your "marital duties" to your husband. Not only so, but your body actually belongs to him so you should not deprive him in any way. Many women believe the that their bodies are their own, but the truth is the husband is the owner. Now when you own something, you like to own something good. No man wants an unattractive wife. The Patriarchs all had wives that were "very beautiful." Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel all were pleasing to the eye and, therefore desirable. Remember the story of Jacob, Rachel and Leah? Leah was not that good-looking and wasn't worthy of love. Have you ever wondered why men don't fall in love with you because of your brain? The answer lies in the mystery of creation: Men don't want a woman to be smarter then them. It makes them feel inferior and unnatural, because women are supposed to be the weaker sex. You were made to look pretty so that men will enjoy you and want you to have their babies. This leads to the next purpose of your life.

You Were Formed to Make a Family
God didn't give you a uterus for nothing. He new what he was doing with those Fallopian tubes. Your period is not a aggravating curse, but a gift from hand of the Lord. When you were a teen-aged girl, I'm sure you were shocked to find out all the different ways your body worked. It was all part of God's plan is to get you to realize that you are to have children. The Bible says that women are saved through childbearing. This means you are to have lots and lots of kids. Childlessness is unacceptable in the sight of God. He gave you a gift and expects you to use it. Remember the parable of the talents? Two of the men put the master's money to work while the other one burried his in the ground. The one who burried it was called "wicked" and "lazy" by the master when he returned. It is obvious from this parable that women who don't have kids are lazy and immoral. If you forsake the role of motherhood you will not be living the life God planned for you. This leads to the next purpose of your life.

You Were Created to Become Congenial
The greatest quality in a woman is here gentle and quiet spirit. This is the fourth great purpose of your life. No man will be pleased by a grumpy wife that complains when he asks her to make him cookies. Don't be someone who is sad. If you are feeling down, put on a happy face anyway because everyone will feel better when they're around you. Women that are loud and fun-loving are aggressive and manipulative. Instead of being quiet and submissive, these women forsake the what is precious in God's sight: being subservient to every demand people put on you. This leads to the next purpose of your life.

You Were Shaped for Serving Your Husband and Church
Many people today think that sitting at the Lord's feet is the most important thing you can do. Tell that to the Proverbs 31 woman! She sets about her work vigoroulsy with strong arms and eager hands which she extends to the poor. She rises early in the morning and goes to sleep late at night all for the purpose of providing food on the dinner table for her family. She is active in 4 different programs in church. She leads small groups, works in the nursery, and helps make refreshments for the hungry seekers who come on Sunday morning. God doesn't want you to sit around and watch soap operas. He wants to pile on as much work as you can handle. The busier you are the more spiritual you will become.

Isn't it fulfilling to be able to finally answer that nagging question, "Why on earth did I marry you?"

My entry will be posted on Joe Missionary.

To view the rest of this week's entries, click here.

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